Hikari's Tears
by PitViper
Summary: The JSSDF invades Tokyo3 - As Hikari remembers it in her Diary. (DarkficSide Story for Conversations and Observations)


Conversations and Observations Side Story I – Hikari's Tears

Disclaimer: Evangelion isn't mine. It belongs to Gainax and a few others. I'm only borrowing their universe for a bit of fun, and hopefully it's enjoyable. I don't intend to make any money off of this work, so please, don't sue me.

* * *

Title: Hikari's Tears  
Author: PitViper  
Genre: Darkfic  
Rating: R – Graphic violence, descriptions of death. Adult Language.  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
This takes place during the period that Touji is unconscious in my other fanfic – Conversations and Observations. It's a first-person description of what happened to Hikari during the JSSDF attack. Hopefully I've done justice to the subject matter, and made it as realistic as possible.  
  
This story line has been haunting me for a while, and it's been very difficult to put together. I hope that at least someone can appreciate it. As always, feedback and reviews are welcome – be they positive or negative. This story was not pre-read.  
  
Thanks,  
P.V. 

---  
  
Hikari fingered the uniform she was currently wearing. "NERV." She said slowly and methodically to her self. She sighed as she looked at her reflection in her mirror; her mirror in her newly assigned living space in the NERV headquarters.  
  
She looked around at the tiny cubical like room. It had a bed, a small desk and table. It had a sink, and its own small bathroom. It even had a tiny kitchen area of its own. Miniscule compared to space she had before in her father's home – but this was the equivalent of a VIP suite within the Geofront complex.  
  
She was now an officer. More importantly, she was an Evangelion Pilot. They had all been brought below ground, to this fortress shelter – to protect them. To make sure what had happened a scant few weeks earlier would never, ever happen again.  
  
Hikari watched as a single tear filled her eye at the memory of what happened. "No." She said softly to herself. She would not lament again – at least at this moment. She didn't have the tears to spare right now. She angrily wiped the lone tear from her eye, long before it could slide down her cheek and onto her uniform. There would be no more tears, for she would help to make sure that it never happened again.  
  
She broke her gaze from the mirror, blinking rapidly to clear her eyes. It would be a scant few hours before the memorial ceremony. She had some time – time enough, at least, to fill in her journal. She would speak at the service, after all. She would recount her impressions of the life that was lost right before her eyes. But first she had to tell the whole story; to at least be completely honest with herself.  
  
She sat down at her desk, her journal in hand, and grasped the pen in a somewhat shaky hand. After two deep breaths, her hand ceased its trembling and steadied enough for the first few strokes to be applied neatly to the paper. Her hand paused as she considered her words, and exactly where she would start.  
  
Hikari's Diary -  
  
How I wish that I could say that it was raining that day. That dark, ominous clouds were threatening outside the school room windows, and that it was a proper day for death. How I wish I could, but I can't. The sun was shining that morning. The birds and the insects chirping and buzzing their way through life. The white, billowing clouds slowly tracking their way across the sky – It was the kind of day that would even make a Class Rep wish for a respite from the daily chores of school.  
  
Asuka, Shinji-kun, and Ayanami were all absent from class. Touji-kun as well… although nobody had told me why. Katsuragi-san had said that there had been an incident at NERV… and that I'd likely not see the three pilots for several days… For some unknown reason, she told me that Suzahara would also be missing, but that I shouldn't worry too much about that – he would be fine.  
  
This had me concerned. Touji had been acting strangely the past few days. It actually took a confrontation with him before he left for him to even tell me why.  
  
– Two days prior –  
  
"I've been selected as a pilot." He told me, softly… in a whisper. I knew immediately what that meant. I asked him why he had accepted. He looked into my eyes… and he must have seen the tears there. If what Soryu had said was correct; then NERV was simply using him. Of course, he didn't know that. And blurting things out about Evangelions and stolen souls would probably not endear me to the section two agents likely guarding the latest "Child".  
  
"Why do I want to pilot…" He started. "Well… They offered to move my sister to the best hospital NERV had. And…" He must have heard me gasp at that. My thoughts towards NERV at that point, and towards their recruitment practices were not worthy of a lady, let alone the Class Rep. He looked at me and smiled, "Oh I know they were using me. They knew that would likely sign me up. Still though… I would have done it anyway. Even despite the pain."  
  
I asked why again. And he said: "Because, I get to protect you. Look, I may not get another chance to say this… but… I care about you. I care probably a lot more than I should. And the best way to show someone just how much you actually care, is to be willing to put everything down on the line to protect them. Even your own life, if necessary. Getting my sister into the NERV hospital may have been one thing… but the reason I'm going to go out there and pilot is you."  
  
I didn't know what to say to this. Unfortunately my mouth was moving before I could stop it: "That's a stupid reason to get yourself killed."  
  
He seemed to chuckle a bit. "But its my life, and if I can protect the people I love… its worth it."  
  
I don't know why, but I just locked up. I couldn't even move as his eyes searched my face, looking for some response. 'He loved me?' I thought. Part of my mind was screaming to tell him how much I cared for him right then and there. The other part was frozen… Unfortunately as Suzahara got up to leave, it was the frozen part that seemed to be in control.  
  
"I… I just wanted you to know, Class Rep. Just in case… you know?" He told me.  
  
He walked about two meters before I had enough courage to even whisper. "Suzahara…" I said softly. I heard him stop walking. 'I love you.' Were the words I should have used, instead what came out was: "Be careful."  
  
I could still hear his light chuckle and his promise that he would indeed 'be careful'. As I walked to school that morning after talking with Katsuragi-san… I could still hear his footsteps as they blended into the background noise of the world.  
  
- The Day of the Attack -  
  
That day was, for me, relatively normal. The teacher was droning on and on about Second Impact. The endless lecture and the reason behind his constant recital of his experiences during it I will never understand. Well… I guess that's not entirely true. Second Impact was a traumatic event. None escaped its fury without being affected. Many lost their lives to it. I guess he couldn't forget – and telling us all about it… that was his way of dealing with the nightmares that probably haunted his sleeping form every night since that day.  
  
But at the time, shortly after Gym class, I didn't have a frame of reference. Funny, it wasn't until about fifteen minutes into the last lecture period that my perspective got a sudden change. That change came in the form of a tinkling of glass, and a high pitched whistle that flew past my ears… it wasn't until I saw a classmate's arm jerk suddenly and explode into liquid red that I realized what had happened.  
  
Even then it was surreal. The professor had shouted "Down" the second the glass had broken. As I collapsed myself to the ground between the window row and second row of seats, I realized that had I not twitched in the slightest during my boredom (Yes, even I thought that Sensei's lecture was boring) I would have had my brains scattered across the floor.  
  
Still though, I was uninjured and there was a class that needed my help. As I turned over, I noticed the panicked look in Tamara's eyes – that "I need to get out of here" look. It was probably the same look I was trying with all my heart to suppress for sake of the other students in the room. I knew what she was going to do, even before she started to move. I violently shifted my center of gravity, going into a sitting position from a kneeling position – I guess I thought I could reach her hands or legs without putting my head above the desk-level.  
  
She was a bit faster than I thought.  
  
I pleaded with my eyes, as she turned away from me and went to stand. I started to lurch forward… but by the time I was in a fully upright sitting position, just getting ready to get my legs under me…. She had fully stood up, her back to me, and was facing the windows. I had moved myself to the space between the desks, directly beside her, and was about to tell her to get down when it happened.  
  
She twirled around to look at me, her face almost questioning why I was on the floor when there was another tinkling of glass.  
  
The side of her head opposite the window exploded in red and bits of white. I would learn later that the type of round used was armor piercing, and meant to penetrate steel and bulletproof glass, not flesh – so only a relatively small exit wound was made. As she fell, I watched her eyes. Before the bullet, they were panicked and disbelieving. Shock was written through their green depths.  
  
They were a beautiful shade of emerald green too – her irises. As she started to fall, I got the perfect opportunity to take into account every nuance of them. The flecks of black and dark green… and even a few flecks similar to gold and yellow. There was even a ridge along the outside edge of the iris that was an olive color – mixed with brown. As the body fell though, Tamara was no longer behind those eyes. She was dead in that moment, in soul if not in body.  
  
I couldn't help thinking at that moment of all the life she wouldn't have. She was a quiet girl. And like most of the girls in the class, she would constantly glance at Shinji Ikari. A part of my mind chuckled at that, knowing that the poor girl had no chance with the male Eva pilot. Another part of my mind then mentally slapped me for the thought – sharply reminding me that now she would never have a chance.  
  
After all, it didn't take a medical genius to figure out that having the internals of one's brain scattered across a classroom was instantly fatal, right?  
  
As she fell almost lifelessly into my lap – because I was sitting on the floor close to her – I realized something… something horrid. Her head was against my chest, right below my breasts and her lifeless eyes were staring up at me. But she was still breathing. Her soul had left… but her body hadn't realized it was dead yet.  
  
The sound of her congested breathing was reaching my ears, just as the erratic pulse forced the blood out through the inflicted wounds, soaking through my school uniform. It took all my focus to just keep on breathing myself. I just let her lie against me – her breathing seemed to regulate out somehow. Mentally I berated myself – in situations like this, my duty was clear. I should have been trying to stop her bleeding. After all, she was still breathing, right?  
  
I moved my hand to her head, to try to stop the flow of blood. When my palm touched the wound though, I felt the side of her head and her skin cave in, and her breathing became stressed. The bone was shattered around the wound… and like an egg that had a hole in it, was incapable of supporting any weight, not even the weight necessary to staunch the flow of blood.  
  
Of course, if I had known much about medical responses, I would have known that she was brain dead – her irises were defocused, and did not respond to the light in the room.  
  
Still, though, I quickly removed my blood-slicked hand from the side of her head, and her breathing again normalized. I don't know what made me do it – some sick, perverted sense of curiosity I imagine… But I looked at my now blood-soaked hand.  
  
Some of her hair was matted in the quickly cooling red blood. Her very dark brown hair – I had originally thought it black, but in the light now it was not – was glossy, and spoke of being well kept. Morbid curiosity was replaced by grotesque understanding as I realized that there were bits and pieces of a pinkish gray substance there along with flecks of white.  
  
Again the doctorate in medicine was unnecessary.  
I suppose that, given a different circumstance, I would have screamed. Or at the very least broken down into tears. After all, a normal human being would have. But I didn't.  
  
I would like to say that it was my duty as a class rep to keep calm and collected in all situations – even one such as this.  
  
But that would be a lie.  
  
I was frozen.  
  
The only thing I could do was to breathe. And that seemed to be a very tenuous thing in itself. It barely registered in my mind as I caught a glimpse of the sensei crawling on the ground towards the window. But my eyes were open, and I was staring in the general direction, so my mind automatically recorded the event as he scurried past on the ground, moving like soldiers you see from the movies.  
  
He even had a long rifle slung across his back. A quick movement of my eye caught the teacher's private cabinet open – I guess I know now why it was always locked.  
  
I watched passively as the teacher slowly and carefully unslung the rifle from his back, demonstrating a grace I had previously thought had left him with his advanced age. My ears picked up his voice grumbling – likely at the fates – for placing him in this awkward situation.  
  
Still, as the moments past, I found myself still struggling to breathe.  
  
In – The Sensei put the gun on the ledge.  
  
Out – The sensei took a deep breath himself.  
  
In – The sensei moved his eye slowly to the scope on the rifle.  
  
Out – the sound of tinkling glass.  
  
In – the vision of the sensei's head exploding in red blood, his head separated from the rest of his body.  
  
Out – the sensei's body fell motionless to the floor.  
  
All I could think about was his endless second impact lecture. Unfortunately the uncaring metal slug that killed him rendered much of that knowledge, plus the secrets he had hidden within, to nothing.  
  
Still no tears fell. Still I was unable to move. Still I was frozen.  
  
I had failed. I could no longer be the Class Representative. I knew that within moments, the students would panic – trying to get away from death, but falling victim to the death dealer outside the window as they stood to run.  
  
"Everyone stay still!" A voice shouted. It snapped me out of my frozen position long enough to turn my head towards its source. I didn't have to turn far. Kensuke was making his way across the floor – although far more fluidly than the old teacher had. He carefully avoided the fluids and remnants of the sensei and grabbed the rifle, examining it carefully.  
  
He quickly checked the chamber and the clip. I blinked as he shouldered the weapon, sighting through the scope; but this time deeper in the room, away from the spray of sunlight the Sensei's body was bathed in. He held its weight steady as he gazed through the window in the general direction of the building across the way.  
  
He only stayed up for a second, glancing only long enough to see what he needed to see, and then dove to the side. I wanted to yell at him… Touji would never forgive me if I let anything happen to him.  
  
Touji. I didn't know what had happened the day before. All I knew was that he was a pilot now. And that something happened to him – maybe. I didn't know. All I knew was that he wasn't here right now.  
  
As it turned out though, I didn't even have the chance to cry out to Kensuke before there was another tinkling of glass and a ricochet off of a desk directly behind where Kensuke was.  
  
I remember hearing a voice yell – it sounded really close. And pain blossomed in my left arm for a split second, then I felt something wet begin to make its way down my sleeve. It took me a moment to realize I was the one who had yelled.  
  
I forced myself back into the siting position. Tamara was still breathing, although it had gotten shallower. She was losing a lot of blood – it wouldn't be long until there wasn't enough left to keep her heart pumping.  
  
Kensuke looked worriedly in my direction as he grabbed something from the teacher's clothing then slid back – staying below the window ledge the entire time. He placed the rifle against the corner of the room, and clicked something near the stalk.  
  
I could see it in his eyes. He was going to try to make it over to me. I forced myself upright a bit more, the throbbing in my arm not really hindering anything. I was going to tell him not to try… but I couldn't find my voice. Besides, I didn't think it would stop him.  
  
Touji and Kensuke had been inseparable friends for years. Not even the fear of corporal punishment would dissuade them from doing something as long as they were doing it together. He quickly dove towards me, his head popping above the window seal for just a second. At first I wondered why he just didn't crawl, but I realized that the sensei's body was between him and us, and quite likely he didn't want to track through the blood in order to get to me.  
  
As he dove, I heard the sound of glass shattering. The entire pane collapsed as the round of hot metal passed through. Fortunately Kensuke's luck held, and he cleared the path of the bullet before it reached him. It hit the desk again, this time simply punching through the metal drawer.  
  
As Kensuke came up to me, he looked down at Tamara. One look in his eyes said it all. He quickly pulled out his shirt and tore a long strip from the bottom of it.  
  
I finally found enough of my voice to ask, "Why?"  
  
His response… "Touji would kill me if I didn't."  
  
I sat there dumbfounded as he wrapped my arm. "It's only a flesh wound," he informed me. "It will leave a scar."  
  
I felt like laughing at that moment. Fortunately my body was still in shock and no maniacal giggles ensued. Scars on the flesh were nothing compared to the scars of the mind. Holding Tamara's slowly dying body in my lap was more than a scar enough. The teacher's death didn't affect me as much as the girl slowly dying in front of me.  
  
Funny, most people wouldn't think a fourteen-year-old capable of rationalizing things like life and death – let alone judge in her mind which was the greater loss. But it was clear in my mind. Tamara hadn't lived a life. The teacher had. Perhaps the teacher's death was the greater loss in the grand scheme of things – but we would now never know what Tamara would have accomplished in her life. Whatever she would have been was lost in the moment that the man across the street pulled that trigger.  
  
Kensuke whispered into my ear, "That sniper is using fragmentary rounds now. They're designed to shatter and explode in the body. It looks like Tamara was hit by an armor piercing round… he must have thought the glass was bullet proof."  
  
A moment passed and the sound of metal sliding filled my ears. "It's the teacher's nine-millimeter." He said. A second later I felt something being laid next to my thigh. "If someone finds you… use it. Just point and pull the trigger. I put the safety off."  
  
There were a million reasons I wanted to tell him to take the gun and leave. A million questions that could have been asked. "Why?" Was the one that came from my lips.  
  
"Because if you die, then Touji will have no reason to live." Kensuke said. "He may be hardheaded at times, but if there's one thing I know about him…" I waited as he paused.  
  
"He loves you."  
  
My blood-soaked hand went down to the cool metal. Could I shoot it? Would I have to?  
  
I finally met his eyes one last time. The military Otaku was no longer there. Now there was a scared boy – one who knew an awful lot about weapons and how to use them. But that fear subsided. If there was anyone in this classroom able to get our nemesis across the street… it was Kensuke.  
  
He crawled back normally. I guess he jumped in the first place to keep from being contaminated with the teacher's bloody remains. My mind didn't even latch onto how dangerous that could have been had he tried to treat a bad wound on me with his hands and body all contaminated.  
  
Just as Kensuke made it back to the rifle, the lights in the room went out and the room shook. A second later the sound of an explosion filled the air. A second after that, a massive roar billowed across the landscape.  
  
"They've launched the Evas!" Kensuke shouted from his darkened corner.  
  
No one dared to rush to the windows to confirm the boy's exclamation.  
  
Just then the door lurched open, and the sound of gunfire could be heard in the hallway. A man in black came through and cocked his automatic machinegun. "Targets sighted." He spoke tersely into the headset on his helmet.  
  
As the man smiled and started to point the weapon at Kensuke, who was just starting to get his weapon into position, a loud crack rang through the air.  
  
Just as the man collapsed to the ground, a woman came through the door, and emptied several rounds into his head. "Target this."  
  
Kensuke was the first to recognize her. "Misato-san!!!"  
  
He yelled, but the sound wasn't one of welcome – it was of warning. Even I realized that the sniper could probably see her silhouette in the light from the hall.  
  
Just then a shadow passed in front of the window… I dared a glance, and saw the distinctive red armor of Unit 02. A team of NERV security came flooding in. Misato smiled as she gave orders, "Secure the pilots. Get them out of here."  
  
"Roger" The team leader said, and began ushering the children from the room.  
  
Misato made her way back towards Kensuke. "You should know better than to play with things like this…"  
  
Kensuke gulped. "Sorry ma'am…" Then he gave the weapon to her.  
  
Misato looked at the sniper rifle, then at the dead teacher on the floor. "Damn." She muttered as she slung the rifle over her shoulder. The men had all but filed the rest of the children out of the room. Suddenly our eyes caught – hers staring into mine, and mine into hers.  
  
Just then I heard another voice come from the doorway area. "Katsuragi! Move it. They're flooding the building with troopers. Don't know how long we can keep them from this room."  
  
The voice was familiar, but somehow different. It was lacking something from the last time I heard it. But any doubts as to who he was were erased when I heard the Major respond.  
  
"Kaji, get Aida here and make a run for it. We'll hitch a ride on 02."  
  
My eyes must have opened even wider. Hitch a ride on Asuka's Eva…  
  
"Ma'am…" Kensuke started to warn, but was cut off by Misato.  
  
"Get the hell out of here." She said in her most commanding voice.  
  
Kensuke, for his part, looked down and muttered what I could only imagine was an apology or agreement of sorts.  
  
Suddenly a smell filled my nostrils, and I realized that my leg had become suspiciously wet. They say that death has a smell. You know it when it hits you. That smell was like being in a decaying, rotting sewer – and it was coming from Tamara. I looked down, and noticed the dead body, the lack of breathing… and the lack of bleeding. Her body had performed its last actions, voiding for some unknown reason and purpose. Perhaps it was just a simple last-ditch effort by the body to make the dead carcass as unappealing as possible to potential predators. Or maybe as a warning to others of its kind – that here lies death, and quite possibly the thing that caused it.  
  
Sometime during the rescue, that critical threshold had been reached, and Tamara's body joined her soul in the afterlife. In some ways, I imagine, it was a relief. But at the moment I didn't feel relief as I looked into her dead eyes. When they show a person dying in a movie, you don't see the absolute stillness, the lack of moisture in the eyes. You don't see the veins and capillaries on the skin. You don't see what really happens, especially to the eyes. They seemed to sink back into their sockets – but still remained opened, staring up at the ceiling. They looked dried out – the veins clearly visible in the whites. Some of the smaller veins were ruptured, some of the larger ones were collapsed.  
  
Suddenly a hand came up and closed her eyelids. Or at least attempted to. As the body dies, sometimes the muscles and tendons and ligaments fight back. Her eyelids were mostly closed though, a blessing in itself. "There's nothing we can do for her." She said at a whisper. "God's in his heaven, all's right with the world…" She muttered in a whisper. "Bullshit." She said even more softly.  
  
I had no idea what she was talking about. But I felt her hand come up to my face, and slowly lift my chin so I was forced to look at her. "Hikari… We got to go."  
  
"W…Why?" my lips asked. I didn't even direct them to speak – it seems that they had their own questions, whatever those might be.  
  
Misato looked kindly upon me. "Because, there are bad men in this building and…" Suddenly the sound of metal clicking filled the air. I watched as a handgun was lowered into the picture.  
  
"And those bad men just might find you." The man said, dressed in the black suit of a JSSDF special operations uniform. "Up bitch."  
  
Misato complied, a look of anger mixed with sadness on her face.  
  
The JSSDF solider had her move several paces back, then glared at me for a few seconds. "Well, I'm going to have me some fun when I'm done with you." He mentioned to Misato causing her to glare at him in response. "I like when they're in shock."  
  
"You touch her you animal…" Misato started to growl, but the man just turned his back to me and faced her fully.  
  
"Wait a second…" The man started, "You're the operations manager for those big robots… Misato. Misato Katsuragi." I could almost hear the grin in his voice. "You get on the horn and get those teenagers to stand down, or I'll splatter your pretty brains against that chalkboard."  
  
"Fuck you." Misato replied, her head jerking towards the window. "See that shadow over there. That's Unit Two. If anything, and I mean anything happens to us, it will _eat_ you."  
  
"Bullshit," He said with a laugh, "Call'em off. Or I'll put a bullet in each of your joints and rape this little girl right in front of you." The man gestured with his gun despite the major's threat. I shuddered involuntarily: I believed every word he said.  
  
The man moved a step further away from me. I could see his body suit armor, and his helmet, and the place where the skin was exposed on his back and neck. Suddenly I remembered that Kensuke left me something… Something important.  
  
I don't know how it happened. I just remember my hand moving as I thought about Shinji and Asuka. Even Rei would have been devastated by the loss of Major Katsuragi. I would have been too. For all her faults, she was a good person. And here this man was, promising pain and death to both of us.  
  
While I was rationalizing that particular thought, my hand closed around the nine-millimeter at my side. My right hand gripped it tightly, and it felt… felt as though it fit. I slowly raised it, careful not to make a noise to attract attention to myself. I pointed the weapon higher, and higher. Finally, as I looked down the barrel, it seemed to be pointed right at the base of his neck.  
  
Just as I heard him pull back the hammer on his own weapon, I took a deep breath, grasped the gun with both hands – even though my left shoulder hurt terribly – and squeezed, holding everything as still as possible.  
  
Crack!  
  
The force of the gun's recoil thrust me back. I was staring at the ceiling for a few seconds. I didn't even know if I had hit the guy. It wasn't until I heard a body hit the floor that I realized that I had indeed hit someone.  
  
I guess I blacked out for a minute – my mind reeling with the concepts and fears associated with taking a life. Even now, as I reflect upon it, I don't regret pulling the trigger. Not even in the slightest.  
  
That's the most terrible feeling in the world – to know that given the exact same situation that you would gladly pull that trigger and send someone to their death. That you could do such a thing, and not feel remorse for the action itself, but feel only remorse for having had to do it and being willing to do it again. I was feeling sorry only for myself.  
  
It was like the universe had transformed me into a worthless piece of garbage. I wasn't pure anymore. I had stolen life from someone. I had played judge, jury, and executioner. And I would do it again.  
  
As I returned to reality, I remember the shocked face of Misato above mine. She had a grip on the gun I was still holding, slowly removing it from my fingers.  
  
I was somewhat reluctant to let it go.  
  
"Hikari…" She whispered.  
  
I could hear Asuka's voice coming through the Major's earpiece, asking for a status. She touched a finger to her ear, right behind it, and spoke. She gave Asuka instructions to back Unit 02 into the building and bring the entry plug to the room level at her command.  
  
"We got to move." She told me.  
  
I moved my legs for the first time since Tamara had fallen on me. They were stiff, and they protested greatly. But they moved. I moved. Misato helped me get to my feet. After a few moments, we managed to make it to the opposite side of the room.  
  
Misato looked at me for a second and told me to start taking off my clothes. I numbly obeyed her command. I first removed the uniform top, and unbuttoned the blouse. Both were soaked with blood. I slipped off the soiled skirt and removed my shoes and socks.  
  
I was basically down to my panties and bra – both of which were surprisingly untouched by the blood, although my skin along my abdomen was discolored with the red pigment.  
  
Misato hesitated a moment, then spoke: "Hikari."  
  
For some reason, I couldn't bring my eyes to her.  
  
"Hikari." She repeated, again gently placing her hand under my chin, and forcing it up so that I had to look at her. "Don't be ashamed, or embarrassed, don't even blame yourself for what happened."  
  
"But... But I pulled the trigger." I replied. There was no dodging that responsibility.  
  
Misato sighed, and commanded – "Put out your hand."  
  
I complied, and almost instantly I felt the weight of the weapon in my hand. I instinctively closed my fingers around it. I held it steady, as though it were an extension of my arm.  
  
"Why did you shoot?" Misato asked.  
  
"I…" I honestly couldn't tell her why. There were many reasons, but the most obvious was that she was in danger. Just as I was about to tell her this, she put a hand up. She silently took the gun away from my hand, and held it pointed down at the floor.  
  
"How did it feel to hold the gun? Did it make you feel stronger?"  
  
"No." I responded almost before I could think about it.  
  
"Did you feel anything when I gave it to you?" Misato asked.  
  
I shook my head 'No' quickly. Then again, at that moment I don't think I was capable of feeling much of anything.  
  
"Did you feel anything when I took it away?"  
  
Again I said, "No."  
  
"I'll tell you why you shot, and why you feel the way you do. A weapon is a tool. Much like a pencil, or a ruler. It does what its wielder wants it to do. It serves a purpose. It's not a beginning nor is it an end. It simply is.  
  
"And like with any tool, it can be used for good, or it could be used for evil. It depends on the person. You are a good person Hikari. Don't ever doubt that. As a pen or pencil is a tool for writing, in the hands of a good person a weapon is a tool for defending and protecting life – your own life and the lives of those you wish to protect. Maybe you were thinking of Asuka. Maybe you were thinking of Shinji… or even Touji. Perhaps you were even thinking of me. No matter whom you were thinking of protecting, you pulled that trigger not out of malice, or lust, or greed or envy. You simply did it because it had to be done. But you pulled that trigger. And because of that, you have to live with the consequences. But believe me when I say this: you did the right thing."  
  
Misato looked around the room as I stood there and watched, "What a mess..." She muttered. Her eyes fell on Tamara's body, which was sufficiently far enough away from where unit 02 would break in as to not be disturbed. Our moving back was just a precaution. As she shook her head, I noticed a tear escaping. "I only wish that people would understand how precious each life is. If they could do that, we'd have a lot less of a need for weapons in this world."  
  
A moment later, Misato gave the command for Asuka to break into the room. The mecha plowed backwards slightly, the wall and part of the floor in the corner giving way. Her back lowered slightly, so that the entry hatch was even with the room. As her entry plug appeared from the back of the red unit currently embedded in the window wall… I glanced up at the clock, which was hanging crooked from its anchor.  
  
33 minutes had passed from the first tinkling sound of glass, to the moment I was preparing to leave here. I watched as Asuka climbed out and saw the dead body of Tamara. I watched as Asuka's eyes searched the room and locked with mine. I knew that I would never willingly enter this room again at that moment. I think Asuka was considering the same thing.  
  
"Hurry!" She yelled, waving me over. As I entered the plug with Asuka's help, the young pilot glanced sadly at Misato. I would find out later that Misato had not entered the Entry Plug because it was exceedingly dangerous for an adult to do so. Instead Asuka carried her out in the palm of the Eva – which happened to make an excellent mobile sniper post for the Major.  
  
As for myself, It didn't take long for Asuka to start prying the details of what happened in the classroom out of me. As I recited the events in a pain filled voice – I could feel the Eva searching my mind. The sadness I felt within the entry plug gave way to rage from both Asuka and the mech. An earth-shattering roar was unleashed as the great beast broke the bindings upon its jaw and bellowed to the world around it. I felt Asuka fighting the controls as the great machine brought its armaments to bear on a division of JSSDF forces far in the distance.  
  
After the machine had launched several devastating volleys into the distance, it finally relinquished to Asuka's will.  
  
Later I found out that over two hundred JSSDF tanks had been obliterated by the furious mecha's attack.  
  
I also discovered that NERV forces had apprehended the Sniper. Did I wish him dead? No. What purpose would more death serve? But at least he would be punished justly. That was something I could live with. It wasn't until I had made it to my temporary quarters in the NERV complex that I could be alone for a bit.  
  
Once the door to my room had shut, any doubts that I had about my humanity were washed away with the tears that fell.  
  
In some ways I'm still crying. But one thing has come from all of this – I know now that I would do anything to protect those whom I care for. I'd live, I'd fight, and I'd die if that's what it took. I decided there, in that temporary room, to become a pilot. To pilot a weapon – not for glory, not for fame or power… but for the simple act of protecting people. Not just the ones I care for, but all the innocent people who can't protect themselves.  
  
Well… there was one more thing – I have to tell Touji something… That I love him.  
  
I don't ever expect to be able to think about Tamara without feeling some pain. But hopefully I'll remember her as she lived – not as she died. And even though I might cry… perhaps I'll have someone near to wipe away those tears. And even though I might cry… I'll know that I'll never let anything like this happen again as long as I have the power to stop it.  
  
- End Diary Entry -  
  
Hikari put the pen down and sighed. She thought that there might have been some relief after putting the thoughts and feelings to paper. In the end, however, there was only a small sense of completion.  
  
"Am I a good person?" She asked herself. The walls and desk held no answer for her. But she did know one thing. As long as she was a Pilot, she was in the position to make a difference. Maybe that would eventually be enough to make the balance even.  
  
Hikari slowly closed her journal and straightened her uniform after standing. As she looked around, she realized that she wished it could snow – just a little. She had seen snow just once, on the top of Mt. Fuji when she was a child. It seemed clean and pure. Just once she wished that she could go out and walk through the freshly laid powder, and see the snow glistening on the bare trees and verdant evergreens. And while it was a nice daydream, she had places to go and things left to be done.  
  
_And miles to go before she could sleep.  
And miles to go before she could sleep.

* * *

_

Author's Notes:  
  
Those last two lines are from the poem "Walking by the Woods on a Snowy Evening." The reason they were repeated in the poem was for the literal and the metaphorical effect. The man had far to journey that evening before he could stop to sleep. And the man had much to do and far to travel before he died.  
  
Here they are repeated to have a similar meaning. Hikari has far to go before this evening is over – despite the fact it's already been a hard day on her. And she has much left to do in her life. And even dark moments such as these can hold some good – so long as they hold hope. Without that, the darkness is just darkness, and the story isn't worth the time to be read.  
  
I decided to post this as a separate story because it had enough to stand on its own. I hope I got this one somewhat right. Was this story worth reading? Please read and review so I can know the answer. :D  
  
Later,  
P.V.


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